I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
