I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
