i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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