I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
