omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
