I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
