I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
