i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
