I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
