He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
