Pants 0. Shit 1.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
