I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize