dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
