from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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