The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
