i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
