Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
