Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
