he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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