Her vagina should come with caution tape.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize