Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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