just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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