someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
