I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
there is glitter all over my balls
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
