I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
