The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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