Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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