I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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