I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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