I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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