Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
