Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
