The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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