threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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