I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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