i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
