I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
