if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
