this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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