So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
