mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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