(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
