I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
