I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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