I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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