I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
