I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
