i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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