i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
