I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Randomize
