my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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