Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
