just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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