I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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