***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
