My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
