My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Sober January is a disaster.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
